Forget The Platitudes, I’ve Got Platforms!
So If I were President…
Iraq Policy: The war in Iraq has divided us. It has done irreparable damage to the triumphalist narrative which has guided us from the conquest of the frontier through the “Good War” of the 1940s. What Korea and Vietnam began, this war in the sands of Iraq has completed: the sewing of a narrative of defeat. Through this war we have lost faith in our ability to triumph. There will be no new children’s games in the vein of the Iraqi conflict, for Cowboys and Indians will dominate our youth for yet another century. There will be no fantastic movies portraying the great American victory, for none exists. It is time my people, my children indeed, to decide. I leave it to you. Within three weeks we will vote. Not the Congress, for their failure is complete. But you, your loved ones, our men and women overseas–yes, we will all vote. A referendum to invoke popular will. The choice is simple: stay indefinitely and attempt to fix the situation or leave immediately. For there can be no other option. I am bound to you and your voice. Let me hear it. Let it ring loudly and with the triumphant spirit of the American way. I am your servant…allow me to serve your will…
Foreign Policy at large: The age of American Empire is over, and I will be its executor. We currently have troops on the ground of 130 of the 191 countries of the world. It costs you, us, over one trillion dollars a year to manage this imperial force, and today it ends. I am pulling troops out of old Cold War hot spots. Hot spots…the name infers heat, conflict, and trouble. For there is no trouble any longer. The age of antagonism in the Middle East and around the world ends now! We together will usher in an era where all world leaders are welcome into our home and to sit at our table to discuss the prosperity of all nations. No longer will non-democratic, Muslim, or Communist regimes be met with hostility. For not every one is American, and we should feel extremely privileged that we can claim as such. You are special–for we are the Shining City Upon a Hill, and our greatness will no longer be spread by violence and at the point of a gun, but by trade, openness, and a basic understanding of our goodnesses place within the world. We will come home, we will defend our borders and respect the integrity of this nation from invasion and undocumented immigration. We will come home, and we will spend our monies on roads, and food, and public works, and we shall return our house to the greatness it once was. The age of American Empire is over, and we will all stand before the warmth of the next century with no enemies, no entangling alliances–and we will show the world the true quality of our character.
Civil Liberties: The age of legislating our morality shall end. I will veto any normative judgment upon your life. I will elevate judges who respect civil liberties above all else. Your body is your temple, and you possess the unalterable right to improve and destroy it. If you choose to use drugs, then so be it. The War on Drugs and its wasteful spending and unreasonable and unjust incarcerations end today. I will attempt to decriminalize all drugs in the United States and if the Congress fails to acquiesce than I will dismantle the Federal Agencies that execute the laws on the books. It ends. If you so choose to sell your bodies, than please proceed, for your body is the property of no one but yourself, and certainly no government. If you choose to marry a person of the same sex, then I say so be it. Find a Church, be wed, and live an amazing life. You do not exist to serve this government, or to fear it…your choices are your own. Simply do not harm others or infringe upon their right to act freely and we will all live as we are, not as we are made to be.
Taxation: I am closing the IRS. The income tax will no longer be collected. Your work is your property and I will not allow our government to waste your labors. With the end of American Empire and the War on Drugs we will surely be fine, as the income tax only collects around a trillion dollars a year. Fear not, your roads will be serviced, your utilities will remain on. I am giving you back what is yours. The age of Government Ownership ends. You are not a wage slave; you exist as a freeman and I will return you to such heights of celestial madness. Our government will exact taxes as the Constitution clearly outlines and we will prosper. I do not own you; we do not own you–or your work.
Abortion/Capital Punishment/Euthanasia: Without the right to life, there exists no other right. I support the abolition of both state-sponsored abortion and termination. The federal government will no longer contribute to any destruction of life. No dollar will destroy an infant’s life. No dollar will send toxic fluids into the arm of a citizen. It is a hard decision for me, my children. Those convicted of heinous crimes sometimes deserve to be expelled from our society. They have rejected our goodness and have embraced depravity and madness. Yet, if we execute one innocent man…one man who lived a good life, and did the right thing, but was failed by our justice system, then I tell you that is simply one too many. When someone is dead there is no going back. And although we can never give someone back the years, if we do not destroy their life, there is only a chance for redemption. The principle is equal on the issue of abortion. Those without a voice, without the ability to enact their will, are guilty of no crime. We will support their birth and bring them into a new world. And we will find them homes. We will allow all people seeking a child an honest chance. We will teach true sex education in our schools and decrease the number of unwanted pregnancies. We will do what is right. In doing what is right…we will also allow you to make the ultimate decision: whether this life, or its current quality, is something you still desire. The integrity of life is not the domain of the state, only the protection of the powerless and the innocent. If one, under their own volition, wishes to meet their maker, we shall allow them to do so. Your life is your own.
In closing, I wish to express my deepest gratitude to all of you. For you will truly become the American dream. I will awaken you from your enslaved slumber and give you wings in which to fly. I do not want to run the world. I do not want to run your lives. I want to empower you, because I believe in each and everyone of you. I know we have but only scratched the surface of the issues that we face today, but I want you to know with every stroke of my pen, with every echo of my voice, I will work to bring liberty to your doorstep. And She will knock, allowing you the chance, the hope, to allow Her into your life. Cast aside your bigotries, your hatreds, and truly understand that no one is identical…no one believes or shares in the same things. Not at home or abroad. Together we will prosper, with an understanding of our individual uniqueness and our collective purpose. We are brothers, sisters, comrades in the struggle to build a more perfect society. Catholics, protestants, Muslims, nonbelievers….homo and heterosexuals….man and woman…child and elder…black, white, and all the colors of the world…I ask you all to stand with me. I ask to be able to stand with you…
And together we shall stand tall and shake the foundations of Heaven, creating Eden again on Earth… a paradise of both temporal and eternal freedom.
Will you let me serve you..?
2 Responses to “Forget The Platitudes, I’ve Got Platforms!”
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February 21st, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Elliot J. Griffin would have you believe that he is the right choice for America but his record shows otherwise. He is known to drink and smoke. He is even known to play video games, the #1 threat to our children today. Do you hate our children like Mr. Griffin?
Mr. Griffin says that he will leave the choice of withdrawal from Iraq to the people. A leader should lead, not follow democratic processes. By even allowing the people to choose means he is personally inviting Osama bin Laden into the White House and giving him suitcase nukes.
Mr. Griffin also says that the government should respect human life. By abolishing the death penalty, Mr. Griffin is removing all deterrents on violent crime. All rapists and murderers would immediately be released and given government-paid homes by schools. Do you want a pedophile living next to you?
Also, he’s a communist. A dirty pinko commie.
Elliott J. Griffin:
Wrong on the war.
Wrong on crime.
Wrong for America!
(paid for by the Committee Against Elliott Gettting Elected)
February 25th, 2008 at 2:18 am
Love you to death, man, so for the love of God, grab some D’Souza quick and pull an all-nighter!