No, I Am Legend
I suppose this entry won’t make much sense. Let’s just get that out there now. I’m in a mood. And if you know me well, you’d know the mood in which I am referring…
Death.
Death.
Death.
Its simply how I feel. Alive in the grave. An animated corpse and little more.
What makes me so special? What makes anything so special? I have been unhappy for quite some time…
I suffer from occupational depression. My job is the anchor which pulls me deep into the ocean’s blue. I drown every day…eight to five, or was noon to nine..? I hate what I do. People suffer and die. People lack knowledge. People are…people…
And I sit there, selling computers to Tom, Dick, and Harry.
I make no difference. I disseminate information technology. I am the most pathetic cog in the most pathetic wheel. What I do has no future, and its past is as poor as its present. I make no difference. I change no lives. I create or repel customers for a corporation which cares little for me, and even less for them.
The great discontent…
Can I be happy doing what I do..?
Can I be happy doing anything at all..?
I used to make fun of people who took their lives, and in some way I still find amusement in their cowardice. But it is dark where I dwell. I feel like my life is slipping by and I am so utterly helpless to correct my course. I am twenty-two and destitute. My possessions…meaningless. My achievements…I laugh at the thought.
Darkness is consuming me. I feel it everywhere. Its so cold. And I am so alone in this. Friends, loved ones…they could never understand. Their compassion rings hollow, and for that I am greatly sorry. I want their words to change me, but they do not. They make me feel selfish.
I suppose I am selfish.
I want everything I’ve never had. I think about it all so often…
Like the time we slept together, innocently. We were on a high school trip and you slept in my lap. I was so intoxicated with the moment that I did not dare move, fearing I would stir you from your peaceful slumber. I loved that moment. I wanted you so badly. I found you beautiful. I found you intelligent. I found you to be everything I ever wanted…
And now you are married.
I never found the moment, I never possessed the chance…to tell you…that I do believe we could love one another.
Or the time we had our first hang out at the library in college. You wore a green sweat jacket. I thought you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. We pretended to study and between stolen glances, I wished that I did not have a girlfriend and I could take you…all of you.
And now you are considering moving into your boyfriend’s home.
Women…perhaps that is the source of my great discontent.
But that would be unfair to say. I have met the most amazing women, and they have loved me…or something akin to it. But I reject them. Selfishly. Or perhaps…sheepishly. I create dissent. I engineer reasons to be unhappy. I am imperfect, yes, but I create in them the greatest of imperfections in which no one could survive.
Even now…there is one…
And I think…why not?
Then I push my feelings deep within my humanity, finding myself here…writing about everything that never was, never would be, or simply never could be…
I have been told that I’m pretentious.
Well, yes.
How could anyone so unhappy be anything but…?
I have been told that I’m arrogant.
Now that, I do believe, is an overstatement.
I find pleasure in relatively nothing. How could an arrogant man be so displeased with himself..? I find my own mental faculties lacking. I find myself repugnant. There is relatively little to redeem.
I look in the mirror and see Adonis himself.
Yet, I am unhappy with what I see.
Because I see what lies behind: a man, scared and alone. Scared that he’ll never figure this world out, never find the Answer within the orchestra of lies….never find someone worth loving that he will allow himself to truly love.
I will make one prediction here and now…
I will change this world. I will stand tall and shakes the heavens, creating something beautiful and divine…
Or I will die a young, unhappy man. Satisfied only with the finality of his life.
I have to find value in this life. I have to discover a greater purpose. Because if I cannot…then I do not need to be here.
None of us do…
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