On The Nature Of Happiness…
Last night I had a dream. I do not know if it was induced by the general malaise in which I live my everyday life or by the source of extreme comfort and care that slept beside me, but it was powerful.
I woke up and all I could see was light…an intense yet dull glow which filled the sky. Pulling myself up a beautiful ocean came into view directly in front of me. I was on a beach. The sand penetrated my skin, but for some reason felt soft and warm. I panned the entire area and found nothing…just an endless sandy shoreline and the methodical ebb and flow of the dark waters, depositing their foamy salt with every thrust upon the land.
To my back the white sands met the light which first brought me into this dream world at a horizon of nothingness. I walked along the coast, letting the water gently crash against my feet and recede just as quickly. I walked and walked forever…finding nary a person, place, or the most scant sign of life.
I sat back down and dragged my fingers through the landscape. Picking the individual grains of coarse white dirt from my finger tips, I realized that the entire place was monochromatic: a black and white world shaded only by the grays of my own humanity. And I was alone. I was completely alone.
And yet, quickly I grew calm and at peace. I was alone, in a world of sheer simplicity…lacking meaning, purpose, and anticipation. I sat upon a beach of nothingness, a void in the cosmic realm. The only man to leave his print, the only one to disturb this serene gray world.
Moments were eternities. The concept of time meant absolutely nothing to me. I was never bored or excited, but tranquil and happy. Alone. Forever. I had found heaven, or more correctly it had found me. I wondered for many eternities if I had died, and this was my purgatory. But I felt so wondrous in the pale white glow that shone above me. Its relative warmth against my face with the cool water rushing my feet…this could not be punishment or exile. This was the afterlife. I had finally died.
And I was happy.
I laughed, so loud that I’m sure the cacophony of pleasure that erupted from me shook the foundations of my small slice of the universe. I stood and stuck my arms out, bathing in the nothingness which surrounded me with a glee I could never possibly describe. Opening my eyes, I discovered a large stone that had previously not been there. I walked to it slowly, for here there was no need to run. It possessed within its timeless surface an inscription which looked as if a small child had chiseled it many years ago. Its imperfections were plenty, but its message was clear. It read: For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
I ran my fingers over the shallow inscription and felt the power of God resonating through them. I knew without a doubt that I had died and this was my eternal resting place–a beach, white and black, grayed only by my own humanity, and completely devoid of anything else.
And I was certainly happy.
I awoke from this dream and had to rush to get to my job. The source of my discontent. My mind is rotting, whithering away at a job that is so completely incapable of fulfilling me. I sat in my cube, awaiting the dreaded ring of the next customer, and I thought of my dream. I could feel the warmth of the pale light upon me. I could feel the soft sand between my finger. I could hear only the sweet melody of the water.
And then the phone rang.
I kept finding myself thinking of that beach of nothingness. Alone. Without care or purpose, without anticipation or expectation. I wanted so desperately to be there…to feel the smooth stone of my God’s message, proclaiming loudly that I had been delivered, saved from myself and the miserable world of his whimsical creation.
I know no such beach exists, at least not here and now–in this life. But I need to make a change. I need to be happy. I need to stop rotting away. My mind cannot be contained any longer…these thoughts must be espoused, these feelings must be proliferated.
I am going to complete my certification process and return to education. Its going to take a long while, but I refuse to do nothing any longer.
Nothing…
Nothingness…
The beach of nothingness…
God…I cannot wait. One day, one eternity, we will be together and I will leave this world behind. But until then, I have to make myself happy here. And god damn it…I’m going to start now.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.