A Killer Is Born
Evicted. The notice on my door. For my greatest sin…paying my rent.
Is this the “real” world the elders spoke of? Is this reality beyond the walls of family homes, beyond the walls of East Texas pines? Is this how it is?
I am mad. Not angry. I have gone mad. A Killer has been born. I want to destroy everything. I want you to die. I want to die. I am filled with rage. A rage so steady it is frightening. A rage so pure that I understand the murderer’s glee. I understand the pleasure they must feel as the knife falls once, twice, thrice…
This is my magnum opus. My confession. I cannot catch a break, so I will break it all. I want a weapon. I want a gun. Fuck it. I am a weapon; I am deadly. And this pain will be poured upon the earth tonight. Oh it will be wondrous…a scream so loud that you will think the earth is crying, and she is. She is crying tonight. And the rain makes it worse.
It feeds me. Nourishes me in its gloom. And the rage builds. I smoke. Yes, I fucking said it. I smoke. My mouth an ashtray of dried curses. Spitting them out for all ears to hear. In between drags of god’s brown earth I will curse everything. I want to set fire to this world. The Shepherd is so far from me…I am only the Destroyer.
What is wrong with this world? What the hell is going on? Why is this happening? Again. Again. Again. Am I too weak for it all? No. Lesser men would’ve already crumbled. I stand. Completely drunk off of the rage that builds inside of me. Robbed-twice. Identify theft. Police entanglements. Eviction.
And what is my great sin? I cannot pinpoint it. I used to see providence in everything. Now I see disease. The plague of this “real” world rotting my insides and killing me slowly. Lesser men would’ve of crumbled already, but I am crumbling now. I find my legs unsteady; my hands tight with anticipation…my heart races…my mind spins…and hate, fucking beautiful hate, flows through me.
I hate you. I hate all of you. Hate me back, please. Hate everything I stand for, everything I say, everything stupid piece of dribble that drips from my barren lips. Because why not? I hate this world. I always have. The great fraud…a smile that has always hid the pain. A laugh that conceals a question. A personality of misdirection. I am dead. When I finally awoke, truly awoke, as a young man I realized the great truth…
There is nothing to this world. There is emptiness. There is anger. There is pain. Love, friendship, and everything that we believe keeps us together is a farce. Love me? Why? I am rotten to the core and if I could end everything I would. I would rob you of your greatest pleasures to insure that no man ever envies those treasures again. I want global communion in the form of complete dissipation.
This universe is not for me. This “world” is not for me. I am crumbling. I have fallen. I am a legend, I’m told. No. I’m a legend untold. And I tell the world this story. These hands will craft the great truth and deliver it to the world. One bullet. One refusal. One end. One day.
I have fallen. The mighty hath fallen.
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December 11th, 2007 at 10:47 pm
“I’ll tell you a secret. Something they don’t teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we’re mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.”