On Second Thought…
On the way home tonight from a friend’s house I remembered something very interesting. As I drove I went back in time to the beginning of August of this year. I’m in a bar in downtown Austin…was it the Aquarium…or the Library? I cannot recall. Either way, I’m on the second story talking to a girl I was interested in. We were connecting on a somewhat real level, which is fantastically impossible in that setting. Above the loud music and the drones of the mindless cattle about, we discussed a long list of truly provocative things. And at some point she made the off comment that the aforementioned cattle–college kids and young urban professionals perusing around us–were somewhat substandard…a breed of idiots not worth the resources they consume and energy they burn. She wished they would all just go away–in the most permanent of ways.
And I just stared down at them for a minute. A long and somehow silent moment. And I disagreed.
I told her that each one of these people–covered in sweat and hard liquors, arguing with significant others and friends–were special. I remember telling her that I do not view people like most…that I see each person as a universe, a world of perspectives, thoughts, feelings, and interpretations. I found one sloppy young man who was having a terrible fight with what I can only guess was his girlfriend and I took him into me. My eyes absorbed him fully and I made a million assumptions about him, his life, and his future…and I decided that I hated him.
I pointed him out to this girl and I told her how much I did not like him. His demeanor, the dumb look on his face, the obvious lack of worthwhile thoughts…all disgusted me. But I loved him. He is a universe…a body of talents and vices, a collection of beautiful tragedies…And I loved him for it. Turning from the stage of our discussion, I looked her deep in the eyes and I touched her arm. I do not remember the speech, the most assuredly pedantic monologue, but I do remember the meaning…
If he died…if anyone dies…an entire universe dies. In that instant a history and a future flame out into oblivion. You see…so much of this world is our perception of it, and no two people see “this” the same. And in that way we are so much more than human…we are infinite and omnipotent, we are everything and everyone we perceive. When we pass, a stream of conscious thought is taken and never returned. Everyone…everyone is so unbelievably special.
She stared back at me with a blankness I cannot accurately explain. Her eyes grew extremely moist and she simply stared. I don’t know if she was disseminating the words I had spoken or if she was just confused…but she stared. And it was I who broke the silence…telling her goodbye, that universes of my own were waiting. I told her to have a good life and remember how truly tragic the death of even the most worthless person is.
I didn’t get a number. I didn’t want a number.
When I die, which I will God willing, I want people to know my universe…the world as I see it. I want there to be books written with my name…either gracing the cover or within their folds, explaining the life and times of yours truly. I think about my own death more than most–of this I am sure. But I do not fear it…if it were to face me, I know I would embrace it. But I do fear one thing, and that is leaving this world, the one outside of us, without a mark, without a mission.
Everyone is a galaxy on wheels…and I am no different or special. Yet the reason this exists, this page, this website, this entry, is because I want to be heard. I want to infect you. I want you to think…about me, about yourself, and about everything between us–from the trifling flora and fauna to the stars so far away.
I do not want my universe to end…I want it to live forever, in you and the people you touch.
When I remember that girl, whose world I crushed with the tenderness of thought, I do not see anything but that stare. A constant and wonderful reminder that I had succeeded…I had infected her world.
As I have with your own. Maybe I do always win…
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