A Thought for the Thoughtful
“I always win.” The personal motto of Elliott James Griffin. I’ve said it to myself so often that over time I’ve come to truly believe it. At first I would say it silently within the safety of my own mind, a wry smile the only clue to the outside world that the greatest of self indulgences was currently gracing me. Then one day I allowed it to slip out…”I always win.” Bold. Daring. Challenging the world beyond my thoughts to prove me wrong. And then it no longer slipped, but spilled willfully from my mouth…
I am Elliott James Griffin and I always win.
Where you would see probability, I would see providence…the willful hand of God awarding his most magnificent creation with the spoils of the material world. Divine preference…an ordained and undeniable truth: I cannot fail. I believed this for the longest of times. I believed that God delivered situations and people into my life because I was special…select…choice…
But today that all changed. I had a brief talk with a friend, and she made a comment of great significance. She told me, with little prudence, that when I see something that I want I do not relent until it is mine. I set my sights on something, someone, and I make it happen. She told me that I essentially will things into being…that my passion and desire forces events to materialize that would normally never.
See, all this time I thought it was God, but it was me. I always win? No. I will to win. And what does win even mean? I met a girl by tagging along to my best friend’s Business Club cookout in college and decided instantly that I would date her one day. A year later it happened. I always win.
But do you see a wedding ring? No. So obviously, I don’t always win. But I wanted her, and for a brief time I had her. So did I win or did I lose? I’m not sure, but my conversation with my friend today really made me think…She made me wonder if I’m wonderfully good at prediction, or woefully bad at following through to conclusion. If I will things into being, do I essentially will them out as well? So many examples come to mind…
My will shines with wondrous light, but for what? For the eventual failure? For that brief moment where I betray my deepest narcissistic thought to the world, proclaiming without hesitation, “I always win!”? For the most fleeting moments of happiness..? I remember laying with that girl I met a year after I had made my bold claim, finally together, and thinking to myself…”I always win.” And now my bed is empty.
I will sleep alone tonight.
I guess I really don’t win at all. I will. My life is the ultimate story of bad timing. So many women, so many times its been the wrong time in our lives. So many opportunities for change, so much bad timing and the same routine prevails. I don’t believe I’ve ever won in my life. There have been great victories…captain of my football team, Speaker of the Senate, and so many other pointless titles that I wanted so badly at the time. So what were those victories? What do they mean?
I feel like I will one day finally understand what it means to win…and I’m not even sure what to expect. Maybe it means saying, “I do,” and meaning it. Maybe its helping a complete stranger at the cost of my life. Maybe its finally being a good brother…
I always win. No, I always will. And I will always will…until the curtain calls.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.