To My Brother
Download LinkYuki Kajiura - The Harsh Truth
I feel like we don’t know each other. I feel empty. I miss you, but I fear that I’ve already missed you, all of you.
I know we didn’t have the most traditional sibling relationship. I know you had demons and fears and you chose to run. But it kills me, because I feel like you ran from me, from Mom and Dad, from the people who would love you no matter what. You left so early…I was an only-child by thirteen, orphaned by the brother I wished so much to know. I know why you did it. God, I know why you did it. But you didn’t just leave me…you abandoned me.
I needed you. I needed an older brother. I wanted to be a kid brother so badly. Watching my friends and their siblings used to tear my heart to shreds…it was jealousy in its worst form. I thought of you every time David and Brian shared a moment, and when they’d fight. Lord knows I wanted to fight with you…I wanted anything from you.
My greatest fear is that when Mom and Dad die, we will too. I feel like without them, we have nothing in common, nothing to bind us together. I think of you often, and call you less. I don’t know what to say…”Hey, how are you?” seems trite. I know how you are…you are human: happy, sad, elated, dejected, and everything else all at once. I know, believe me, I know.
I feel like I’ve failed you in some capacity, even though you were the one who left me at such a young age. I feel like I didn’t do something…that I was the reason you left. Inadequacy. I could not heal your pain. None of us could. We failed you so much, Ian. I cry when I think about it. I’m crying now. I am so sorry that I could not help you…I was so young, a child, an infant to a life and a struggle I could never understand–even now. Can you forgive me..? Will you forgive me..?
I love you. I don’t know you, but I love you dearly. I do not call because I am afraid to know you. I am afraid to sit down and reveal the depth of my failure as a brother. I want you to live a long life and find happiness. I remember the day Mom called me crying so terribly I was sure someone had died. And someone had. You. Almost anyways. You tried to take yourself from us in the most complete way, and if you remember, in that moment I found the strength to call you. And I was mean…I yelled and told you to stop hurting our family and to stop hurting yourself. “Just do it!” “I don’t care anymore!” “Stop making MY mother cry!”
It was terrible. I am terrible.
If I die before I have the courage to look you in the eyes and tell you all of this with words spoken, know that you are important to me. You are the darkness in the corner of my mind, reminding me of my own humanity, my own struggles and demons. You are also the light, that keeps me hoping…
Hoping that one day I can tell you how sorry I am…that one day I can know you…
I love you. Stay well, brother.
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